Zombie Nation (2005) 0 brains

After watching this movie, I had the urge to go back through the movies I've already seen and increase their ratings, because now I have to recalibrate my zero point. I thought Zombie Doom was bad, but at least the director of that film put some effort into his special effects and his sets. Ulli Lommel, writer and director of this film, should be ashamed to call himself a filmmaker. I see that he actually has quite a lengthy resume on IMDB, but if his other films are anything like this one, he must be paying for all his films himself, because I can't imagine anyone else paying for him to make them.

Let me set the story for you. Welcome to L.A. police precinct 707, where they work in a warehouse, and film props and lighting equipment are laying around in plain sight. Nobody has an office with a door, just a divider between them and the next desk over. And I don't mean cubes, I mean a single divider on a stand between desks. The older cops are all old war buddies, who cover for their friends' trangressions, and they take care to hire only stupid rookies, so that if one of the rookies sees his partner abducting women and taking them to his home (also a warehouse), later to emerge with a large duffel bag and no woman, the rookie takes quite a while to suspect that something might be fishy about that. Of course, if a cop is doing this in front of his new partner, he can't be all that bright either.

But that's what happens in this movie. Senior cop Joe Singer (Günther Ziegler), ostensibly raised in Alabama but with a thick German accent, uses offenses like jaywalking to arrest women and take them to his warehouse, where he performs some kind of physical examination on them, kills them with an injection, and then briefly cuddles with them before his mother's voice in his head tells him that she's "failed the test." His rookie partner, Vitalio (Brandon Dean), is forced to wait outside the warehouse while all this is going on, and for a while Vitalio blindly accepts Singer's explanation that he released the women and they went on their way.

Unfortunately for Singer, one of his victims has been given a "protection" spell by voodoo priestesses. Apparently this spell didn't actually extend to protecting her, but it did let her come back from the dead to exact revenge, along with the other four victims in the movie. Why did the other four come back too? Don't ask silly questions.

Ridiculousness gets piled on ridiculousness as the movie goes on. I could make quite a long review by detailing the ineptitude of Ulli Lommel, and it would be cleansing for me, but probably sort of tedious for you. Let me just touch briefly on the special effects; the zombie makeup consisted completely of darkened eyes. That's it. Four of these women were buried in the ground and one at sea, some for a while, and when they come back, their clothes are clean, their hair is styled, and their faces are expressive and eyes sparkling. Oh, but their eye sockets are dark! They must be undead!

You might be wondering, where does the title "Zombie Nation" come from? That's an excellent question, since there are only five zombies in the movie. The primary reason, I think, is that Lommel thought that title might get some people to actually watch the movie. Of course, then he still has to justify it, which he does in a two-minute scene where the five zombie women speculate that there might be millions of zombies just like them out there, somehow having escaped the notice of ordinary humans.

I'm not sure how to feel about the actors in this film. An actor has to eat, but they really must all have been desperate for the money to even touch this script. I would say that maybe Lommel has pictures of them in compromising situations, but any picture he has can't be worse than showing someone this film. Ironically, I think the lead actor was the worst. The others might have been ok, but it was really hard to tell with the completely pathetic, amateurish, nonsensical writing. And that's being kind. Do not watch this movie.